I am supposed to describe myself with one word. I am soooo many things! I could even use a fish to describe myself. No, No, a plane, a plane 🙌. I am probably an F35. Awesome creation, big purpose, celebrated (somehow I am – well at least pale Sunday School). Too many promises, always a work in progress, failing to meet expectations within deadlines… 😥
My Lifegoals appeared as a very neat forest of stick notes. Maaan! They looked awesome on that inner wall of my wadrobe in my bedroom. I mean this bedroom was a Lifegoal achieved in itself. Slowly by slowly I stopped limiting my mind and thinking as much as I could of these major goals. The challenge was, I had goals but I had not put them in order. Well for someone else to understand, but I understood them myself. This was however not my problem because, I am the one who knew how they arranged themselves in my execution.
Later I would progress with life and I ended up doing all these things at the same time that not even my dad knew what I did where I was employed. Friends don’t know where life was headed for me. Let me try to state my background. Electrical engineering, Business Management, Aviation, “Mechanic”, Blogger, Red Cross… Would you even ask where something X fits in my equation? You would really need to be very interested to know the specifics of this life. So here I have a circle of friends who know Kriscalf doesn’t know what he wants to do with his life. Then there are those who are in the lines of thought that I am just an immature person who is yet to figure things with his life.
Anyway, I cannot even explain this further than this. I am supposed to describe myself in one word. I am very many things… like very many confused things but I chose confusion so that I can also try to explain why my space (This blog) has so many unfinished stories and other bloggers wonder what my niche is. I don’t even have a niche. I just write when I feel like. One thing I can promise is that all those stories will be finished someday. I cannot explain how all those things listed up there fit into the bigger picture because this is not the time and place, but the tight circle knows what this confused fellow is all about.
My confusion is not the visible kind. It is the invisible kind. By invisible I mean, if you take my bag for instance, everything is in an orderly manner, all pointy things are in one bag, I have a box holding a makeshift response kit on one corner, I have a roll of tissue wrapped nicely somewhere, I have my screw driver set at the bottom… My keys are arranged from the longest to the shortest, my classmates tell me I play neat like a girl. Nkt! My house is even worse almost folding dirty clothes monk style. Library corner, home office. I mean we are talking of military standards level of neatness and order here, you would cry! Dressing by the right. However! My mind is another one. That is where the confusion dwells. All categories of confusion dwell in there. Babies to grannies. You will hear it in my speech, my blog! You will read it on my articles, you can even see it when it comes physically. I must admit that I must have some very patient friends because it was until I started working on this issue that I realised how bad this issue was. It started by conditioning myself to multitask in physical function as well as mental functioning. Slowly this became something bigger. Its close to why I cannot play Chess. I know how to play chess but my mind would not just allow me. I have tried many times. But I cannot maintain and concentrate on one string of thought, I even thought hyperactivity is an awesome thing. I am a jungle combat kind of guy. Yelling “cover me” here, throwing a grenade to my right while rolling to my left, calculating the wind and distance to hit the guy firing from the thicket to my front left… I mean, this kind of brain has its advantages and its disadvantages.
Imagine we are discussing something about the SGR but within two minutes, I am telling you of how I almost spun out of control while landing on runway 07 a few months ago. Okay, I tend to think too fast for this life 😒. Plus my creative mind cannot allow me to dwell on an idea for too long. So this is how it would happen. The SGR, we go to pros and cons, I am not the politicking kind, so I would quickly run away from that, then I would swiftly move to the launch, how the people had flocked the stations, how the Kambas were screaming “aiyai, aiyai, aiyai!!” in regard to how “Kanasonga Aka kakitu… akia nani!” to now how the helicopters looked so cool flying alongside the train, to how there was a lady first officer flying one of those helicopters, to how its interesting to fly a helicopter to how you can easily spin when careless to how even fixed wings can toss you off the sky at will. At this point you stop mid~sip of cream formed already cold tea and look at the shock on the faces of the recipients of the narration and then that’s when it hits. They are not shocked about the idea of helicopters spinning out of control and plummeting onto a funny train hurtling at those many kilometers per hour, or the idea of this person crashing while attempting to land at Wilson😲. Actually, they are shocked about how stories can move in such randomness to utter silence in such a short moment. Here I am wondering… was there someone who tried to input something into the conversation and I interrupted them… 🤔
That’s not even half of it. Sometimes I think, it is confusion that guides the creative element. Education, career, social life, hobbies… Try placing that confusion in an exam room, & I end up having foolscaps in between colored answer sheets because, I talked too much in my mind and ended up writing too much on that exam paper😒. The good thing about my confusion and why I am so open about it is because a solution came into my life and this has been a major boost to my control. I try to concentrate more. I listen better nowadays and life is rosier. Maybe, In all this confusion there is order coming through. Recently, after a lot of prayer and consulting, I found my answer.
The important aspects of life have been sorted out. I need not worry any more about appearing confused. For starters, the goals are lined up too well. That fine line formed by nicely shining muzzles while on parade at ease. Trust me all that list up there now fits somewhere. The important aspect is only those who matter understand what it’s all about☝️. Meanwhile for those battling confusion like me. Just keep calm. A solution is coming through. Most of the time its because you are all over the place without any guidance /mentorship or submission to an authority. The major solution coming to cure my confusion is partly shared in Stand Still, which I wrote a few weeks ago.
But I just have many things in mind. Like how should I get to town when the traffic is expected to be heavy? 🤔. Friday, celebrations, complains in other circles, end month 😞… Would I be happier if I thought of only one thing at ago, one business at a time, one class at a time… 😕