Candid Dispatch to My Bozos.

To whom it may concern.

Hi, how are you doing since we last talked? Rarely did we. . . I hope you are doing great. I am sure you are.

I will get straight to the point. I have here the report contrary to your stupid assumptions and verses of what I was and who I would become. Its okay I forgive you. At least I try. First I am writing this in mid air, hovering on autopilot above the coastline of the Indian Ocean. My navigation terms that one. You call it the beach. It’s okay. It’s almost one and the same thing – almost. I know you are surprised but yeah, I made it. I can now fly. Actually I have been for quite a while now. You did not believe I could pull this off huh? Sorry I did. You thought I would die in the streets, mob justice most probably or probably a bullet from a law enforcer? Nope. Quitting my job wasn’t a bad idea after all. Actually you might wanna join me out here. Its fun doing what you love coz you love it, not coz you have to put food on the table, a roof over your head, a fashionable cloth and blah. On that note, aaaaah even average students can fly. Proved you wrong on that one too.

It’s stupid to eat a lot huh? And very stupid to supplement my diet with excessive salt? Noooooo. Again booooozo! I got tall. Taller than you even.  Or how do you think I got up here. I wish I listened, I would have made you better gossip for your drinking days.  I knew that I would not get to your size by eating a lot, but thanks to growing up, that was my stage. Yeah teenage. But again, did I not get to my desired height? I did. Sorry. I understand you are struggling with obesity? I thought you had all the resources to prevent that or to get cured from that? Guess I was wrong. I have been always wrong.  Buts its okay, I forgive you too. Talk to nature, she’s got the blue print.

I bought you some brand new genuine albums from some of your favorite bands. I have always wanted to do that. This time round it would be fairly daft to try ask me the title of that song just to test if I know what I am talking about. That was so lame – for the record. I always knew them but I had to brush your premature ego to let you believe that we the upcountry folk don’t know a thing about current stuff. Sorry I disappointed you. You don’t have to steal them from me again and pretend I never gave them to you, no. It’s a small gift. I know you can download it online but I want you to have the Physical thing. Yeah those are the original autographs, never mind how I got them.

Again sorry to disappoint you but am not gay, as you thought I would end up and I never was, and never will be. My ass is still intact & my weener hasn’t tasted shit yet. You did a pretty good job spreading spiced unconfirmed buzz that I was one and you caught me at it, got into an ultimatum with you to give you my ass so you can shut up. Well cooked story. I heard about it. And for the record, my lips have nothing to do with my sexual orientation. Lets refer to them as they deserve, a gift from God. I am as straight as a rifle barrel. Several girlfriends in my life and a hell lot of fulfilling sex life. Straight.

I would have loved to do the vet thing as you had always sang in you lessons but I did not. Not because I could not, but basically because it wasn’t my thing. Believe me if I would have failed as you were trying to suggest. A driving licence kinda joke would have worked better.

It’s good that I didn’t have to steal my dad’s car to take you out for you to like me, because for one there was no car and again it was not my thing by then. Now I can, without having to steal it or cringe at the thought of the pump price. I heard you delivered your second child, at twenty what??? And to another man? I guess that’s what I couldn’t do. Congrats. I’m happier now; at least you popping helped me move on, the greatest step of my life phewx! That was a hard one, but do not worry. It’s the life we live.

Most of my Sunday school kids and youths have done well in their various endeavors, I guided them right. Not perfectly right, but I did my best and they did not turn out as spoilt as you thought they would. Am sorry you tried to convince other parents not to bring them to my class because I was a youth member of a group with debatable behaviors and characters but they still did and we proceeded with their older ones within the youth group we created and participated. Congrats again, specially coz your daughter made you grandparents in your forties, I believe that’s the kind of character you did not wanna miss in your household. I heard you found a better rehab for your stoned son. That’s also good. I always pray for him to get better and for his father to allow them and encourage them to join the youth group. Again spending the entire weekend in church is not as un-cool as you tried to make others believe but that and faith paid off. God answered my prayers, and opened doors I would never have dreamt of. Am sorry for bragging about it. I know it’s the best you can come up with. However it’s okay.

The company pulled off well. Struggling for a year did not mean I would give up on it or did you? It worked, it totally did. You are welcome to a series of functions we are holding, starting with the “Author 1000” dinner. We will be celebrating out number 1000 author who we have published their work since the first publishing. You always laughed and told me to get a life when all I published was my “Stupid Stories” as you referred to them. Well, here we are. Making it big, but not yet. Or come to the art auction you would love that, and come with that painting you bought from me due to sympathy because you thought I would never make another sale after that one. We will see the price it will fetch. Business is good I tell you.

You may rejoice a bit though. My love life is kinda fucked up. Yeah, good guess. It’s the only missing part in this little world of mine. Ever since you left, it has been hard to eliminate the most perfect wife as per my taste and preference. After breaking, wearing and retreading my heart, I still managed to move on again. It’s true I was stupid to let you in again, to try buy my forgiveness but, nope. Dint work. Natural death is what I wished for it. Can’t seem to make a choice out of all the spouse material within my reach. But I will be patient. Yes, the virtue you could never cultivate. At least I found real ladies who could love me for what I am, who I am, and what I am. And they are always older! Am I that mature really? I flatter myself too much. I expected to lean a few tips from your 10 year older husband. Unfortunately he is not quite my idea of a marital role model. I mean, two extra kids from two different women behind your back? Fuck, I thought that was the real love you holed me for. I do not see the security you talked about there, I must admit that was a colorful wedding. I couldn’t pull that off again for you as I understand. Don’t worry. Two kids with less than a year between them and two step kids, and an unlimited other unknown would not be bad. I suggest a co-wife arrangement. That would do you good. He can handle it, as for me am “too young and green” to understand and pull off these things. You would have told me you wanted a fucked up life, believe me for the love I had for you ‘then’, I would have totally fucked it for you.

Guess I have to go now, the view is getting boring. This beach gives me the creeps. Bad memories of having myself hidden between camel legs and bikinis trying to prove that I was being taken for a ride in a faithfully tactical style or is it tactically faithful? Whatever. I am too young to go through that. For those who want to come to my first birthday, its here. You are welcome, I had said I will celebrate it when I achieve half my goals; I did that, and guess what? I am just at 25!!! Damn! Ripe huh? Yeah. My dream chart wasn’t as fucked up and too serious for life as most of you thought. It’s working, and I’m happy. But I had to check on you and tell you that am okay and I still believe in God and thank him for every day.

All The Best In Life.
I Will Still Be Around.